1. Instead of rising at 5:30am to exercise, I now keep my eyes closed until 7am.

2. I’m no longer forced to gaze at the hideous walls of an office that are painted baby food squash color.

3. I had absolutely no shot at a scandalous office romance to add a little pep to the long days.

4. My intelligence was constantly being questioned.  “You’re an idiot Allison! (Insert Brazilian hooker’s name) is so great because she is shit & this is America where shit sells!!”

5. It was a 50 minute commute in the infamous LA traffic each morning AND evening. 

6. I was forced to shower and brush my hair daily, since I had to meet fancy producers and famous people, and apparently it’s rude to present yourself to them in an au naturel look.

7. I had a nice job title with important words like Executive and Director in it, but I could never remember the real name because deep down in my heart I knew my true place was Office Bitch.

8. I grew pale and never saw daylight. Now I have plenty of free time to find the perfect skin tone balance between vampire and guido.

9. As the lone minority, I had no say in most issues. Sure 1 black guy worked there, but last time I checked, black men always get rights before females. This is 2012. Women still have absolutely no right to be in the work place…they belong in the bedroom…handcuffed in lingerie….get a clue!

10. It wasn’t in the line of work I really wanted to be doing anyway, and I was mostly in it for the learning experience, income, and blog material. Now I am free to go back to my true career calling: Unemployment.

I had a hilarious little article typed up this week about proper gym etiquette, but I sent it off to other sites to get it published. Then I realized I would still need to compose something for all of my devoted readers on this blog. Shit. That’s what I get for trying to be an overachiever. Lesson learned: no one was ever punished for being a slacker.

It’s a good thing solid source material is always destined for my life though….or maybe nothing is really destined towards my life, but I choose to be narcissistic and make it all about me. Either way, I found something that should peak your interest.

During one of my many moments of absolute boredom and downtime on the clock, I thought it would be a genius idea to browse the People You May Know section on Facebook. There is a no better cheer-up secession like seeing all the mean bitches from elementary school writing miserable status updates or seeing ex-really-good-friends at the same phase in their life than when you parted ways 10 years ago. Anyway, there was a photo of a newborn baby toward the top of my list (we had 1 mutual friend), and I figured someone from my high school popped out another babe and decided to use the Yoda-esque photo as their own profile pic because obvi the wrinkle ball is way cuter than any postpartum shot!

I’m getting to the point in life where everyone I knew growing up seems to be tying the knot, cutting the cord, and then tying the tubes….that last part isn’t exactly true since we’re all still in our early to mid 20’s. However, the tubectomy stage does apply to my parent’s friends, and I friended all of them after they bombarded the networking site. Now that I think about it, tubal ligation in the 20’s is probably not highly advised. It would actually help teen pregnancy and single mom rates drop significantly though! It’s totally a reversible procedure, so I don’t really see what the big deal is. It’s like tying shoe laces in a double knot. Sure, it’s sometimes a pain in the ass to get the knot undone, but we all still do it. Female’s tubes most likely work in the same manner….although, don’t quote me on that, since I admittedly slept though most of Gyno 101.

BACK TO MY ORIGINAL POINT. After clicking on the baby’s photo, I realized that not only did I have no idea who the kid belonged to, but the page was as an account for only the baby- not parents with a newborn. Talk about a little Einstein! This genius baby belongs in the Guinness Book of World Records for being the youngest social networker ever! He seems like a very popular kid too, since he already had 75 Facebook friends, which is a lot more than my grandma, and she can at least talk….which is probably what’s preventing her from accumulating more friends. Grammie’s not the sharpest tool in the shed to say the least.

I strongly considered adding the baby boy as a friend so I could regularly see what kind of status updates he posts or what apps and games peak his interest, but I chickened out. I thought his parents would flag my profile and then my Facebook account would probably get deactivated, since I’ve gotten in trouble with them a few times before. I’d rather keep my account and stalk more important people like ex-boyfriends and their babies. The whole page could also be a police trap, and I really don’t need any extra trouble from them in my life either! Maybe I should warn the one mutual friend I share with the baby. It certainly wouldn’t look good to the police for a male of almost 35 to befriend a baby….yeah, he should definitely un-friend the kid immediately! Now I’m starting to wonder how they even got connected in the first place…..hmmm….it’s just probably some cyber fluke of sorts. Can’t trust that damn internet.

While out at night prowling Hollywood’s hottest spots, one of the biggest so-called perks of being a young, fun, attractive, and intelligent female is…surprisingly not the free drinks and tempting drug and sugar daddy-type prostitution offers, but rather, the true joy comes through eavesdropping on bathroom conversations of other young, fun, attractive, and mostly not-so-intelligent females in Tinseltown. My roommate was lucky enough to catch this fantastic interaction last Friday night in the restroom of our favorite local bar. (Side Note: we’re in the process of making this bar “our place”. Where everyone knows our name and hits up the joint just to catch a moment in our wonderful presence. HOWEVER, someone keeps making an ass of their-self by leaving before paying their tab, giving hot bartender their number, staring down said hot bartender and the ugly whore he brings into the bar the following weekend, loudly complaining about how totally unattractive the whore is, seeking sweet revenge by having eye sex with every other remotely attractive male in the establishment, etc.)

The conversation between girls in bathroom Stall 1 and Stall 2 is as follows:

Girl 1: I did something really bad the other day that I think I shouldn’t have done.

Girl 2: Ohmygawd- what happened?

Girl 1: Well I wrote “Paris Hilton doesn’t like butthole” on my Twitter, and I think I should take it down.

Girl 2: Do you think she’ll see it and get mad?

Girl 1: No….ok I guess I’ll just tell you. *sigh*…so I’m a stripper, but no one knows, and I posted that because Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie came to our club the other night, and they didn’t tip me very much, so I think she didn’t like me, and then I wrote that on Twitter because I was pissed, but now I’m kinda worried and think I should take it down.

Girl 2: Sounds like they deserve it for not tipping. I’m sure she’s used to people saying mean stuff about her anyway.

Girl 1: Yeah…but I’m friends with my mom and dad and like everyone on Facebook and they don’t know I’m a stripper….I told everyone back home I moved to LA to be celebrity dog groomer.

Girl 2: Oooooooo

Girl 1: Yeah so like this one girl back home must think I’m still a dog groomer because she wrote on my Facebook wall “Why? Did you shave her dog’s ass too close and she doesn’t like looking at it’s butthole?” And now I don’t know what to say back!

Girl 2: Wow….that sucks….like…a lot.

Hey Alli S,

            Where all your good stories at on this site? We hear you have crazy rockin’ nights ev’ry weekend that sound like theys straight outta a movie & leave you prowl’n the streets of Hollywood until 5am. Our eyes only wanna read ‘bout that shit.

ShOw ReSpEcT,

Hood Rats

Dear Hood Rats,

            While these rumors are 100% accurate, I have decided to put all my ultra juicy stories into a little account titled “My First Book”. Intrigued? I hope you + 1 million are so I can rev up some motivation to actually write the thing. I have nothing in the works other than the catchy title I created at work last Friday during my 7.5 hours of down time on the clock.

Gangsta4Lyfe,

Alli S

Hey Miss Hollywood,

            Did living in West Hollywood for a year turn you gay? You just sound like a lesbian half the time these days, and we “mysteriously” never hear about the douche bags you hook up with.

Your #1 Fan,

Beulah Butch

Dear Miss Butch,

            Thanks for being my number 1 fan! I have yet to switch teams, but I will definitely keep you all posted on any riveting revelations.

Your #1 Star,

Allison

Allison Lauren,

Are you totally broke yet? When are you moving back home?

-Grandma Jo

My Dearest Grandma Jo,

            We discussed this last time. I’m not eating out of dumpsters or selling my sex for Big Macs yet, so there is still hope.

Love,

Little Pickle

Yo Girl,

            You think you can get famous by making 3 YouTube videos and then callin’ it quits? I’m very disappointed by your lack of dedication and YouTubing skills! Do you think I got over one million subscribers by sitting on my ass and talking about how I wanted to get my face out on YouTube? Absolutely not!

-More Famous Than You

Dear YouTube Star,

            No one is more disappointed by my lack of YouTube consistency than myself. I promise there are more great productions in the works! Please enjoy this special edition video http://youtu.be/YrU_izi8Xhg while I finish editing the real vlog! (Ok, so I lied. This is the same video as last time, but feel free to watch again!) Also be sure to subscribe to the channel so I know you all love me (you don’t need a YouTube account to subscribe, so there is no excuse)!

Not so Famous, but Happy with my Life,

A

A user-friendly guide to what I have been finding at all the Hollywood Christmas/Kwanzaa/Hanukkah festivities this season:

1. Santa- Due to the Lap Band procedure and Botox, there are no old white bearded fat asses to play the iconic role in LA. The party below instead opted for a gigantic bottle of booze to don the traditional red and white hat. This Santa faithfully gave the gift of drunken debauchery all not-so-silent-night long.

2. Sparkling Sluts No party is complete without young perky boobed girls in short tight dresses. The trend of the year is obviously sequins since every female looks like a beautiful sparkler on the 4^th of July.

3.     Delicious food- I’ve always held firm to the belief that holiday themes and colors make food a million times more delectable. This is why I will only eat the shaped Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and holiday colored M&Ms…they just taste better. I would normally never touch a cupcake, but the ones below kept calling me with their Christmasness beauty and magically appeared in my hand the whole freaking evening.

4. Toys for Tots- I think it’s really cool when events are thrown to raise awareness for  charities. For whatever reason, charity sponsored parties always offer an open bar too. A $1.09 (includes tax) off brand Barbie from the 99cent Store equals an entire night of open bar with top shelf liquor. My math skills aren’t flawless, but I have calculated this to be one hell of a deal.

5.     Chinese Acrobats- Parties will vary with their own form of entertainment. This particular house party hired a 4’8 Chinese woman in traditional garb to balance random large objects on her face. I’m not really sure how she related to the story of Santa dropping a baby named Jesus down a chimney, so all the black people of the world could rejoice by having a dreidel spin off……I’m sure she fits in there somewhere though.

6. Black Bags- No, I’m not talking about the latest tote design from Versace. Unfortunately, these black bags are directly underneath my eyes from a lack of sleep. Not funny- just an observation that everyone seems to have them right now…muahahaha 

7.     Creepy Old Man in the Corner- This just isn’t a holiday special but can usually be found all year round. Here we have George W. Bush look-alike and closeted flamboyant man. (Yes, it was an entry requirement for all the old guys to wear red sweaters to attend this classy party).

8.    Trees- Growing up in an area that has an abundance of evergreens, it never even occurred to me that those birches would be hard to come by in this So-Cal climate. A rich old guy was trying to brag to me about his huge tree and how it took a whole crew to get it in….and then billionaire was insulted when I did not react with the proper amount of awe at his lame story. Important Update: I don’t want to hear about your wood. An entire tree of wine bottles will grab my attention though…that shows dedication.

9.     Loved Ones- The holidays are the best time of year to spend with friends and family. I have no family here so I must rely on my friends to care for me like a mom when I knock back too many peppermint schnapps spiked hot cocoas. (We all decided it would be best not to include those photos on here.)

10.     Spills and Stains on My Clothes- We all know I can’t do anything without making a disastrous mess. The endless supply of lamb chops, fudge, and other party foods simply wrecked havoc on my clothes. Embarrassingly enough, below is the real photo of my skirt after my last holiday party. I blame those stupid Ho cupcakes for this one. 

11.     Mistletoe- I actually did a report on the kiss inspiring plant in elementary school, and the name can be directly translated into ‘dung on a stick.’ I’m not going to let the…bad..name (you really thought I would fall for the awful pun trap of calling it shitty didn’t you?) deter me. I plan to crouch in front of my newest crush’s pad (once I find it) and wait until he comes home so I can spring on him with the leaf and a surprise make-out secession. 

12. Extra Cash- I am incredibly fortunate to be surrounded by a very generous family and a cushy paying job, so extra cash just seems to be stockpiling itself in my pocket. While some people may waste these precious dollars on buying things for others, I give the ones I love something they’ll never need to return to a shitty department store because it doesn’t fit or because it’s wool made from the itchiest lamb ever born. I gladly share my personality with all, and no one has ever asked me for a refund…so take that JCPenny! I’m going to put all my extra money down on applications for my new iPhone because I really think those are investments that will protect my future. The iSnort cocaine app could possibly save an addict from OD-ing at a club, and that my dear readers, is priceless.

Happy Christmas/Kwanzaa/Hanukkah/Chinese New Year!!

            I had a little remorse (please emphasize the little) after my last blog regarding online dating. I realized I had absolutely no right to mock Kevin and the other men of Craigslist because I haven’t been on a real date in….ummm….let’s just say longer than I would prefer to admit. I thought ’I’ll just go on Match.com to prove how easy it is to make a profile, so no one will have any excuse for using scummy Craigslist anymore!’….and I really wanted to creep on all the Hollywood hunks available on the site. Then I got a slap in the face from a little bitch named reality. Men write personal posts on Craigslist because Match.com and all the other legitimate sources have absurd requirements for making a profile on their sites such as filling out a 25 page questioner, uploading a minimum of 10 photos, writing the perfect date scenario down to every last detail, and then they expect you to compose a mini novel describing yourself and what you would like in a mate. Most males on Craigslist are incapable of stringing together a coherent sentence over 4 words, so these standards are far beyond their abilities. In order to help these clueless dudes (or anyone else who is considering extending the horizon of their mating pool to the entire universe through the web), I have compiled a list of 9 surefire tips that will make your post stand out above the rest.

1. No decapitated pictures please. This mainly applies to the infamous torso shot. While those 6-pack abs are fabulous, if we meet up at a restaurant, I don’t want to have to lift up the shirt of every male in the establishment in order to find you.

2. Don’t use a photo of you wearing sunglasses either. This is no newfound alternative to photoshopping the shit out of your face; we all know what’s hiding beneath the glasses, and we all know it’s not pretty. Some of you are probably shouting “No, it’s not that! I just don’t want my true identity revealed!” If you’re too damn embarrassed to have your photo posted in the CL personal section, then I strongly suggest picking up the standard street corner hooker because it’s much more simplistic.

3. Utilize your computer’s spelling and grammar check function. If this is not readily available, ask any of your friends who were not junior high dropouts to proofread the post. I understand many of you may not have friends (I made this assumption due to the fact a lot of you have photos taken in the bathroom mirror reflection rather than having a pal snap them), so I say send it over to grandma or mom to edit the piece. This may not be the wisest choice if your message is specifically looking for a gal who enjoys being handcuffed to the bedpost all hours….or you’re searching for a generous mommy to play with the baby looking for milk.

4. Stop repeat posting. It comes across as quite lame when you copy and paste the exact same message and photos every day. I’m also not tricked when you write 2 different posts: 1 looking for a quick BJ and the other for a lasting relationship with your ebony princess. If you are even going to attempt to pull this off, use 2 different pictures, and wait at least 15 minutes between posting, so they don’t pop up next to each other.

5. Save handing out your phone number until after I contact you. Putting your digits in the post…or even worse, the headline, is no fun. Make a girl work for it a bit!

6. Avoid playing the reverse psychology card when creating a headline. Subject: I’m very ugly with a permanent plumber’s crack & poopy pants….lol, jk, jk, gotcha! Those jokes are never funny to anyone over the age of 3. They become much worse when you’re using them as an internet dating pick up line.

7. Bored = Boring. Don’t ever write: bored & jus checkin wats new. Using the bored excuse doesn’t even kind of make me think twice about contacting you. Yeah Imma text this brotha bcuz dude sounds off tha hook crzy fun wit his A game boreness.

 8. Don’t use abbreviations. This SWF DD/STDFREE does not want to hook up with BBC BDSM ANR ISO BBW NSA FWB who overused the <3 <3 <3 <3 and ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) (Unfortunately, GoogleTranslate is absolutely no help when trying to decode these idiot messages, but I am a genius, so I understand them. Bonus prize for anyone else out there who knows what it means!)

9. Say something about yourself! Do not give me a list of super high standards; they just end up being a list of what you’re not searching for:

NO OVERWEIGHT….good news- I’m obese. NO SMALL RACKS….that’s fine- I’ll just purchase an EE bra and a box of tissues to stuff it. NO UGLIES….I’m closer to hideous than ugly- so we’re all good in this hood. NO STOOPID GURLS…..considering the fact the composer of this post has an IQ of 72, I can probably top that. NO CELLULITE….racetracks of spider veins totally cover up any evidence of stretch marks and cellulite on these fine thighs. NO ASKING 4  $….fine I’ll just ask for a car and shopping trips 8 days a week. NO LAZY CHICKS- ONLY WILD SEX ADDICTS…..I consider myself to be an absolute animal when the lights go out….exactly like my favorite animal the sloth. Have you ever seen the way a sloth moves? Now imagine that in the sack. Me: The Sexytime Sloth. It’s your very lucky day.

Advisory: The following blog contains copied material from a well-known wannabe popular website turned sleazy. One must be 18+ years of age to enter the site, so if you’re a minor, please stop reading now, and go watch cartoons like Family Guy and South Park to learn valuable life lessons. 

         After all of the craziness of Halloween this past weekend, I have come to one very important conclusion: it is absolutely vital for me to be part of a couples costume next year. There were just too many cute duos out there for me not to be overwhelmed with jealously during the trick-or-treating celebrations. I tend to have issues snagging an acceptable date since I’m prone to making offensive comments, being hyperactive, and just scaring people off in general. Therefore, it is very likely that I will need a full year to recruit a sexy kitty to go along with my hairball costume for All Hallows Eve 2012.

  Like most people in the modern single world, I turned to the wonderful invention of the world wide web to catch a mate. However, this is not as simple as it may sound. Match.com wants me to pay $39.99 per month for their cupiding skills (Facebook is free, they should be too), eHarmony has too many sappy commercials for me to even consider using their service, JDate said no because I’m not a Jew…nice to meet you too racism, and Patti Stanger at Millionaire Matchmaker said I’m too much of a lost cause for any and all of her clients. This left me with none other than trusty Craigslist for my chance at true love a decent date. 

Once I sorted through all the kinky fetishes, sugar daddies (remember I was looking for a date- not dollars & diamonds), and the self-shot in the bathroom mirror boner photos, I was left with nothing but a whole list of balding, unemployed, middle aged dudes still searching for their ‘princess to pamper’. I would love to compose an entire year worth of blog entries dedicated to the horny hunks of this world with one of a kind fixations, but I instead opted to write a music video paying homage to their bizarre bedroom desires (release set for 2014). For all the men of CL out there who may be reading this: No, I don’t want to bang you while wearing a high school mascot rhinoceros outfit, taking a dump on your chest will be the last thing ever to pop up on my to-do list, if you truly want to watch your 2 best friends who are “super buff and extra hot” to do the dirty deed with your girlfriend- you’re probably gay, and Dr. Snugglecuddle who specializes in snuggling and cuddling- stop….just stop. I wish you all the best of luck though.

         There has only ever been one post on Craigslist that really strummed the strings of my heart like a Colbie Caillat song, and it came from a gent named Kevin in Washington. My cousin and I stumbled upon his heartfelt plea for love a few years back after an intense bar hopping secession. Below you will find his EXACT post…I did remove his phone number from the middle of the message because I didn’t want his voicemail to fill up with an overwhelming number of messages from swooning women. I also understand I am probably violating some copyright law by re-posting this, but I say some jail time is totally worth sharing this with the world. (The last line of his poem is my go-to pick up line at bars, and I would say it has about a 100% success rate. You too should give it a whirl!)  

how are you 

im kevin im in shelton im looking for a sweet heart 

a cool gal that has a huge loveing careing heart 

and a nice smile i live alone and by my self 

and could use the company im verry much so a 

breast man as i do love to fondle and suck on 

some nice beautyfull tits would you want a massage 

dont ask for money or any thing ill delete you 

i love getting out or staying in i love camping 

fishing old cars old trucks going to the ocean 

sitting by the fire and cuddleing 

at any hour early or late would you travel 

i have no transpo i do love blow jobs 

If you’re reading this blog, you’ve probably seen my Facebook. If you’ve seen my Facebook, you probably noticed I got new acting headshots. If you’ve ever seen me, you probably noted that I do not look like that on a daily basis. In fact, numerous people have approached me asking why I don’t even remotely attempt to look presentable anymore. Well people, I am willing to look good if I find the cause worthy….I’m sorry if it is a slap of reality for you to hear that I only find you worth the effort of throwing on a hat and v-neck tee, but I firmly believe everyone needs to know their place in this world.

Even when I want to make an attempt at dressing to impress, I still need assistance from a little thing called Hollywood  Magic.  I’m sure the secrets to looking camera ready is foreign to many of you, so I polled a plethora of on-set stylists and make-up artists to compile a 5 step user friendly guide to achieving a breathtakingly stunning look everyday!

1.     You Can Say it Best with One Color: Stick to a monochromatic color scheme to lean and lengthen.  As we all know, black is ultra slimming and should not be used sparingly. The Kardashian sisters do the all black look flawlessly on the red carpet.

2.     Giving Your Hair More Shine and Volume is Never a Bad Thing: It is essential to avoid over brushing your hair, and doing this will actually add more volume over time.  Skipping on daily washing and showers will also help restore hair’s natural shine.

3.     Eyes are the Key to the Soul: Accentuate your eye’s natural shape with black liquid eyeliner. A smoky effect shadow will make your color pop too. There are many online resources on how to properly apply darker shades, so I expect none of you lovely ladies to leave the house with a messy raccoon eye look.

4.     A Sultry Stare is Always in Style: Avoid smiling at all possible costs. Doing this will allow you to maintain an air of mystery, and nasolabial folds will never be an issue. I’m quite positive all the Victoria’s Secret models below practice their come hither stares on a regular basis, and you too should follow in their footsteps.

5.     Showcase Your Pearly Whites: My greatest asset is my set of fierce fangs, and I want them to look their best at all times. Annual dental whitening treatments can only do so much, so picking the perfect shade of lipstick is essential. While many beauty sources recommend a deep shade of red, I often find that red just doesn’t quite do the trick. However, black has never failed me. Now is the prime time to stockpile the color, since Halloween makeup is on sale.

After following these 5 simple steps, you too can accomplish the classic Hollywood glam look everyday! The photo below is me hanging out at my apartment and having the time of my life…as you can plainly see, I took the initiative to follow the 5 steps of Hollywood Magic. 

Earlier this month, I got to spend over a week back in my home state working on a feature horror film (should be release at the end of this year). Being home really opened my eyes to what I truly want to do in life: book more projects that are outside of Hollywood, so I can travel and work at the same time! With my new and improved career plan, I turned to a globe sitting on the sidewalk left over from a garage sale to help determine my fate. The globe didn’t quite spin properly, so I closed my eyes and gave it a good jab….New Zealand = best answer ever (I may or may not have skewed these results). After some semi-intensive research in between my morning and afternoon nap, I discovered the newest Power Rangers show would begin filming there for a 7 month run starting in December. I just know a kick ass television series like this would really kick start my career into greatness, and all of the high side kicks to alien heads would surely kick my lumpy body into shape too!

I tried. I really tried. However, I was not even able to get myself into the audition room for a freaking read. If I were a bitter and insecure actor, now is where I would give a nasty little shout out to the casting director responsible for breaking my poor little pink ranger heart, but I will take the high road and not mention the casting director’s name…..I hate the high road.

I could have just chosen a different region or country to look for work, but that would make me a quitter, and I have too much pride to stoop that low. Rather than giving up on becoming a quasi Kiwi, I went into a more productive mental state where I (over) analyze my life. Depression. Like all my reactions to heartbreaks and big life blows, I blasted Kenny G and marathoned Quentin Tarantino movies. During day 5 of my regimen, I accidentally channeled surfed onto one of the Lord of the Rings movies. It was only 5 hours into the first film of the trio, so I thought I’d give it a go…..and then I remembered that Peter Jackson is currently filming The Hobbit in New Zealand! There is no way he could reject me because I already have experience being a furry-footed-dwarf!!!  (See photo below of 12-year-old Allison dressing up like Frodo for a Jr. high book report project. Please ignore the fact I look like I want to slaughter everyone in Middle (school) Earth).  I rapidly began drafting my cover letter to PJ.

Dear Pete,

Please fly me to NZ to be in your latest sci-fi flick The Hobbit. I’m just perfect for the part! ‘What part?’ you may be asking, and my answer is ALL parts….really I’ll take anything…I’m not even too good for the little guys running in the background grunting because their legs are sore and too small to walk all the way from Galatic City to defeat Voldemort. Plus I’m an extra huge fan of the series! 

Yours truly,

Alli ‘Frodo’ Scott

7^th Grade Frodo