A user-friendly guide to what I have been finding at all the Hollywood Christmas/Kwanzaa/Hanukkah festivities this season:
1. Santa- Due to the Lap Band procedure and Botox, there are no old white bearded fat asses to play the iconic role in LA. The party below instead opted for a gigantic bottle of booze to don the traditional red and white hat. This Santa faithfully gave the gift of drunken debauchery all not-so-silent-night long.
2. Sparkling Sluts No party is complete without young perky boobed girls in short tight dresses. The trend of the year is obviously sequins since every female looks like a beautiful sparkler on the 4th of July.
3. Delicious food- I’ve always held firm to the belief that holiday themes and colors make food a million times more delectable. This is why I will only eat the shaped Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and holiday colored M&Ms…they just taste better. I would normally never touch a cupcake, but the ones below kept calling me with their Christmasness beauty and magically appeared in my hand the whole freaking evening.
4. Toys for Tots- I think it’s really cool when events are thrown to raise awareness for charities. For whatever reason, charity sponsored parties always offer an open bar too. A $1.09 (includes tax) off brand Barbie from the 99cent Store equals an entire night of open bar with top shelf liquor. My math skills aren’t flawless, but I have calculated this to be one hell of a deal.
5. Chinese Acrobats- Parties will vary with their own form of entertainment. This particular house party hired a 4’8 Chinese woman in traditional garb to balance random large objects on her face. I’m not really sure how she related to the story of Santa dropping a baby named Jesus down a chimney, so all the black people of the world could rejoice by having a dreidel spin off……I’m sure she fits in there somewhere though.
6. Black Bags- No, I’m not talking about the latest tote design from Versace. Unfortunately, these black bags are directly underneath my eyes from a lack of sleep. Not funny- just an observation that everyone seems to have them right now…muahahaha
7. Creepy Old Man in the Corner- This just isn’t a holiday special but can usually be found all year round. Here we have George W. Bush look-alike and closeted flamboyant man. (Yes, it was an entry requirement for all the old guys to wear red sweaters to attend this classy party).
8. Trees- Growing up in an area that has an abundance of evergreens, it never even occurred to me that those birches would be hard to come by in this So-Cal climate. A rich old guy was trying to brag to me about his huge tree and how it took a whole crew to get it in….and then billionaire was insulted when I did not react with the proper amount of awe at his lame story. Important Update: I don’t want to hear about your wood. An entire tree of wine bottles will grab my attention though…that shows dedication.
9. Loved Ones- The holidays are the best time of year to spend with friends and family. I have no family here so I must rely on my friends to care for me like a mom when I knock back too many peppermint schnapps spiked hot cocoas. (We all decided it would be best not to include those photos on here.)
10. Spills and Stains on My Clothes- We all know I can’t do anything without making a disastrous mess. The endless supply of lamb chops, fudge, and other party foods simply wrecked havoc on my clothes. Embarrassingly enough, below is the real photo of my skirt after my last holiday party. I blame those stupid Ho cupcakes for this one.
11. Mistletoe- I actually did a report on the kiss inspiring plant in elementary school, and the name can be directly translated into ‘dung on a stick.’ I’m not going to let the…bad..name (you really thought I would fall for the awful pun trap of calling it shitty didn’t you?) deter me. I plan to crouch in front of my newest crush’s pad (once I find it) and wait until he comes home so I can spring on him with the leaf and a surprise make-out secession.
12. Extra Cash- I am incredibly fortunate to be surrounded by a very generous family and a cushy paying job, so extra cash just seems to be stockpiling itself in my pocket. While some people may waste these precious dollars on buying things for others, I give the ones I love something they’ll never need to return to a shitty department store because it doesn’t fit or because it’s wool made from the itchiest lamb ever born. I gladly share my personality with all, and no one has ever asked me for a refund…so take that JCPenny! I’m going to put all my extra money down on applications for my new iPhone because I really think those are investments that will protect my future. The iSnort cocaine app could possibly save an addict from OD-ing at a club, and that my dear readers, is priceless.
Happy Christmas/Kwanzaa/Hanukkah/Chinese New Year!!